When mushy crime novel authors write about the deep, dark corners of the world, they actually refer to the middle closet in my bathroom. It's stuck in the corner like it's hiding from someone. And that someone is you. Here I keep the products in ugly, clinical packaging and bottles with somewhat embarrassing origins, without which I cannot live, but which I can live with out of sight. But I'm going to open it today for your entertainment and maybe for your service too.
Prescription dandruff shampoo
After years of trying every dandruff shampoo on the drugstore shelf and getting older, I realized that enough was enough. My dermatologist said, "Yes, NBD, here is a prescription shampoo that you use twice a week." It's incredibly bright red, completely odorless, and it literally works. Why does that even need a prescription? I don't get our health system, but I understand the limits of zinc pyrithione.
Smooth skin cream
In a frugal mood at Walmart, I bought the "comparison" version of Cetaphil's thick skin cream. And although the Equate tub is fine, it isn't as good and smells like a yoga mat that has bloomed. The packaging of both creams is in a color palette that was apparently chosen by a 7 year old named Ryan. Heinous but forgivable. Again my dermatologist recommended the cetaphil cream and it has more influence on my life than any beauty editor, sorryyyyyy.
Irish Spring + Butt Cream for long bike tours
It's a friendship, but I use the Irish Spring on my armpits after training. This soap is NUCLEAR. The chamois cream is intended for delicate use on the buttocks before a long bike ride. I love the creme accent. This is for BUTTS. The brand is ASSos.
This is mostly as a flex that I once visited a French pharmacy. It is heavily scented, so I only use it on days when I want to relive my blissful Parisian birthday when my bathroom was interrupted by an Airbnb host named Flo who forgot her medication … in the bathroom .. where I bathed.
Obviously, to dispel fecal fumes.
I'm too lazy / cheap to dye my hair, but I blow dry some highlights with Sun-In. The woman on the bottle makes exactly the same face that I make after peeing in the pool.
Get out of PFB
A nice lady named Olga told me that PFB was the best product to prevent ingrown hair and then tore out my hard-earned pubic hair. She was right! This bottle has probably expired, which tells you about the condition of my pubic hair. (Thrives.)
Various Bath & Body Works products
I can not change it! I am a creature of nostalgia. I recently took a bath with In the Stars and the musky scent reminded me of a crowded afternoon at the Atlantic Center. Sigh. I miss this place.
Olay Fresh Outlast Purifying Birch and Lavender
What exactly is birch cleaning? I don't know, but I would like to be the person who invents new forests. I just follow my nose and this cheap body wash smells clean and slightly sweet. The ridiculous water wave of random foliage on the pack hurts my brain, so I decant the mother-of-pearl goosebumps into a Muji container and leave the full bottle here.
Steroid cream for that dry stain on my right calf
Every winter I get a few itchy dry spots on my leg (some years it's left, others right – I'll take it as a prank from God), and my brilliant derm has linked me to this prescription steroid cream, which, in contrast, has many over-the-counter, promising eczema creams actually work. The doctor said if you use it too often it will bleach your skin.
A lot of Coppertone Sport
This is the best material for any outdoor scenario where you will be sweating. How, um, run? Maybe chop wood, throw tires or build a huge palace of fresh corn. If I have to think about other scenarios, I can't.
Ok friends, you got it out of me. Secrets = revealed. Or at least 12 of them. Can we please pretend that the visible corners of my life are otherwise perfect?
– Alex Beggs
Photos about the author.